Cybermatrix 100

cyber_01

Ladies and gentlemen, meet inventor Schaun Bishop (aka “Piscea Sikono”). He’s twice tried to launch the same project on Kickstarter, but first let’s see what he has to say about himself.

I LIVE IN ST LOUIS FOR ABOUT 18 YEARS NOW, AND I WAS RAISED IN A POOR HOUSEHOLD, GOT HOSPITILIZED 15 DIFFERENT TIMES AND I ALWAYS SPEND MONEY ON THINGS I ONLY WANT RATHER NEED. IN A HOUSE OF JUST MY PARENTS AND ME, HOWEVER I WAS RAISED IN ORLANDO, FL IN A HOUSE OF 2 OLDER SISTERS, AND ONE OLDER BROTHER. I WAS RAISED IN A LARGE SIZED FAMILY, BUT I LIVE ALONE WITH PARENTS THAT LOVES ME AND CARES FOR ME. I JUST WISH I DIDN'T ABUSE THEM.
That … doesn’t really give me confidence that he can effectively manage $25,000 of our money.

To do a Kickstarter, you really need to be skilled in money management and — wait. … What was that last bit?
cyber_03
Yikes! Let’s just move right on to the project, shall we?

A world-changing invention

CYBRMATRIX 100

Actually, he calls his invention the “Cybermatrix 100″, but whatever. Maybe he’s gone all New-Media/Web2.0 on us. (Like “Tumblr”)

CYBER MATRIX NOW LOADING...

What does it do?

the cybermatrix has the ability to make video and cyber based games using one engine, and you can make movies and music as well using one engine.it comes with the powerbooth, powerportal, cyberstove, rom attatchment, galaxy attatchment, artificial intelligence system [ai system], and power-controller.

My favorite part is the cyber stove. I’m going to use it to heat up some cyber mac&cheese.

As far as I can tell, this is some absurd cross between a gaming console, and a full-body virtual reality device that literally uploads you to cyberspace a la ‘Tron‘ or ‘The Matrix‘.

The numerous illustrations show something that looks like an x-box controller, but also a giant blue oval with sliding doors that the user is apparently sealed into during operation.

You’re probably following all this so far, but you’re wondering what will you see while the device is loading the files it needs to operate? Mr. Bishop has anticipated your curiosity, and illustrated with this informative diagram :
CyberMatrix - Now Loading

Cyberspace is dangerous

We’ve all seen movies. I learned at an early age from documentaries like ‘The Matrix‘ and ‘VR5‘ that if you die in cyberspace you die in real life, or at best become a mindless vegetable. Better check the FAQ (that I swear I am not making up) to make sure he’s taken care of this frightening possibility.
FAQ (about getting trapped in CYBERSPACE!)

That’s all well and good, but it still leaves one question un-answered.

for people who are concerned about my console being used as an act of terror, it won't.

Now that he’s answered our questions, it’s only fair that he get to ask us a question.

dear users:  i was wondering when i get a virtual prototype from invention home, after i get my project funded, what tools do i need on how to make a physical prototype out of my virtual prototype?  i also need advice on how to build it?  if anyone has answers, let me know.  schaun out.


Thanks to reader @0xC0FFEE for teaching me, to my astonishment, that my favorite beverage can be represented in hexadecimal, and for recommending the topic for this article.

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  • jay

    I actually shrieked out loud in horror at that first screenshot. Everything about this is terrifying D:

  • Amy Procrastinating

    …33 backers? Really?

    • Emanuel, o Mano

      Well, he did had a large family

    • Jamoche

      Only backers get to comment. Zero risk, the chance to snark at the project – when you’re dealing with someone who thinks the response to a $2500 goal failing is to make a $25,000 goal, it’s hard to resist.

  • Windego

    Oh c’mon now. A cyber stove makes PERFECT sense! As we all know, gamers like me are all basement dwellers unwilling to leave our video games alone for a second so a stove that’s right there and I can virtually cook with is genius! I mean, I can make myself virtual pizza AND I can shoot people in cyber space with my leet decking skiilz!? It’s brilliant! Now it just needs to be able produce virtual Dr. Pepper or virtual Mountain Dew and my life would be complete.

    • KickFailure

      I wonder if there’s also a cyberfridge.
      I woudn’t want my cyber-cola to get warm.

  • Brad Maxwell

    …what the fuck?

  • TheNate

    He also writes books: story about an ultrafish named piscea sikono getting into constant battles with the dark shadows syndicate. upon fighting them, piscea goes the lost dimension and works with damon cartwright to discuss getting the dss here in the current dimension, while regaining a special laptop and salvation.

    http://www.amazon.com/dp/1491048034/ref=wl_it_dp_v_nS_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&colid=1H2SC795UYZP5&coliid=I14JL5RQGMNWVW

    Yours for only $25!

  • TheNate

    He’s back – and now only for $500! And an eight minute video! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/973736766/the-cybermatrix-100-tu01?play=video_pitch&ref=users

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    You realize you’re making fun of someone who’s mentally disabled, right? Great website you’ve created here.

    • KickFailure

      Of course. While it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between regular stupidity and medical brain problem (Hey, I’m not a doctor.) this one is almost certainly on the brain issue side.

      However, I do feel that asking for real money as a business makes you fair game.

      When you ask people to open their wallets and buy something from you, you put yourself out there as an equal, to be evaluated on the merits of your business proposal, and you give up a lot of the social niceties that would otherwise protect you from criticism.

      In cases like this I do try (With reasonable success) to keep the criticism and/or mockery restricted to the project itself.

      • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

        Nope. It’s not fair game just because he’s asking for real money. He’s asking for money because he doesn’t realize how ridiculous this idea is. That’s a part of the mental instability and it’s not cool to ridicule him for it.

        Just admit this whole post is in incredibly poor taste.

        • KickFailure

          Well, that’s your opinion, but it’s wrong.

          Once you start doing business for real money, things get real and the world stops coddling you. Even if you legitimately need coddling.

          If you think that’s inappropriate, you should be angry at Kickstarter for letting this get this far. When his first project went up they were still individually pre-screening every project, but they STILL LET THIS ONE THROUGH! Perhaps they honestly thought he could manufacture this device? I’m making fun of them as much as I am the project.

          Kickstarter pre-screened this project, and decided it was fit to stand with all their other projects. Don’t agree? Go take it up with them.

          • http://wq34tw34t34t.com Billy Crystals

            Hey Man, Just admit we’re making fun of retards. What’s the big deal?

          • Carlos

            Two wrong don’t make one right.

  • Yotsuba

    Probably the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.