FEAR THE TUNNEL!

The tunnel of fear is a amusement park where film horror becomes a reality and everything can happen.

Ignore the image. That’s blatantly plagiarized from the marketing screenshots for “Metro:Last Light“.

I am going to build "The biggest, scariest tunnel of fear in the whole world" on a big area, where everyone's fears become a reality. My amusement park break the barrier of courage in most brave people. One ride have to take from 25 to 30 minutes. The project foresees about 30 vehicles (one vehicle can hold 6 people).
So he’s going to build a gigantic “Tunnel of Fear”. How gigantic? He doesn’t say, but even if we assume a sedate, non-scary, average speed of 5mph, we wind up with a track-length about the length of the Disneyland monorail.

This project is based in Wales, but it’s clearly from a non-native English speaker. Was it created by the vanishingly small, possibly extinct group of Welsh people who grow up speaking only Welsh? No, turns out it’s from a Germain immigrant.

Now, if there’s one thing Germans are known for it’s, well ok, it’s WW2, but if there’s a second thing Germans are known for, it’s fantastic engineering projects! So how’s the tunnel of fear work? And how will it break my “barrier of courage”, whatever that means?

 In the first 10 minutes there will be 5D technology. In the next steps there will be use the highest technology such as: high quality realistic digital holograms, collapses, the sensation of flying over precipice, and many other which I can't reveal because of uniqueness of this project. I expect general roconstruction once a year, so visiters could look for new experiences every year and it also have to protect my amusement park before routine. According to calculations the annual income have to amount to about £2,000.000.00.      I am also going to build three bars (with fast foods, normal food, drinks, ice - creams, etc.)  in the area of amusement park. Next to the tunnel of fear there will be also a rope park for children from 3 to 12 years, and many other attractions for children.  Annual cost of maintain was calculated for about £180,000.
Ok, some of those things aren’t even real things.


Thanks to reader Beau B. for pointing this out to me!

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  • Michael Kohne

    Just for reference, the term D is thrown around in the amusement industry to describe rides that have things like air blowers or whatever added to enhance the experience. There’s no specific meaning to it – he’s just copying buzzwords.

    • JoDa

      Yeah, I was going to say 5-D sounds like 3-D imagery with sound and physical sensations. Not that I think this guy actually know how to do any of that, but that’s how they term the experiences…

    • KickFailure

      Oh, I see. It’s like one of those things where someone says “Look out for those rats!” and then some streamers come out and brush up against your legs?

      Still “5d technology” is a laughable thing to say when you’re supposed to be explaining your project.

      • Ognimod

        If real 4D rides existed, this one should be in 4D, so you could ride it backwards in time and get back those wasted 25-30 minutes of your life.

  • Acg

    An early failure with this project was not realising that “a amusement park” generally opens with more than one ride.

  • TheNate
  • FUCKIN CHRISTMAS

    For A Second i thought this would be for a horror game, but then i saw it was for a fucking amusement park ride. So, I Have A Question: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU USE A SCREENSHOT FROM METRO: LAST FUCKING LIGHT TO ADVERTISE A FUCKING THEME PARK ATTRACTION?!?!?!

  • Apetejander

    Don’t forget to take a look at his new INCREDIBLE REVOLUTIONARY 6.33D Kickstarter Project… A LIGHTER THAT DOESN’T WORK!! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/890511124/pocket-air-freshener?ref=users

  • I’ll just be blunt here

    “Germain immigrant”

    *cough* you uh… misspelled a.. yanno..