Last week we looked at crazy board games. This week, let’s see if the gaming in the digital realm can do any better.
X-Wing vs Tie-Fighter 2015
Wow, a new game in LucasArt’s X-Wing franchise? That’s amazing! Why didn’t more people back it?
Oh, because the project isn’t by LucasArts/Disney, it’s by some random dude who wants to “creating an online community of Star Wars fans” to do all the work. (While he keeps the money, I guess?)
He seems to think that if the product is good enough, or if it raises enough money, it’ll just automatically “get the license” and become an official Star Wars game. That is really not how it works.
Imagine you were going to build a themepark, and if you built it “good enough” you’d get to call it “Disney World 2”. LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Insert Cool Name: Everyone’s Game
This really bumpy video taken in a car promises that he’s going to make “everyone’s game”. (He says he’s sorry about the video quality, but apparently he’s not sorry enough to shoot it again.) Apparently, he’s really good at making games, and he’s going to let everybody vote on what the features should be, while he personally makes a AAA quality game.
Well, we don’t get to vote on all the features. He’s chosen a couple already.
Basically, he’s already decided that the game will have two vague features that will push the cost into the millions, and also a gun that shoots cats instead of bullets. Sounds like a solid Kickstarter to me!
Incidentally, this guy didn’t give up. When this failed, he tried to get Kickstarters to pay for a “Documentary” about him making a AAA quality game, which would have to first include the cost of the game.
Update from a commenter :
Legends of Mesenia
With stunning artwork like that, I’m convinced!
I’ve been looking at board, card, and tabletop games on Kickstarter lately. There are some great ones that I’m looking forward to, but there’s also … well, here are the ones that caught my eye. Make your own judgements.
Uh, yeah. … Look, I don’t want to sound like a prude, but, I am the customer and all, so I was wondering if maybe we could just have, you know, regular sex? Like, without the spear or the slimeworms?
Small Biz vs Big Government
This Monopoly rip-off makes no secret about being “Anti-Progressive” propaganda, but I can’t help but feel that the all too familiar caricature on their 500 dollar bill hints at another agenda they’re not willing to admit.
I’ve never heard of “Pharaohs 9”, and neither has Google, so I guess we’ve got to just read the description?
Oh, I see. The description tells us nothing at all. Still, it does make me wonder what he’s studying in college!
I pity any parish desperate enough to hire this man.
(Thanks to @cobyhectic for the tip.)
Here’s a weird one. This man has invented a new way of telling time. Apparently if you use this new clock he’s invented, you’ll be understanding time as God understands it. You know, up in heaven or His own planet, or whatever.
He goes on in this vein for pages and pages which I won’t quote here, but he never really explains why I’d want this, besides some vague references to miracles or something.
This was the best use of this new timekeeping that I could think of.
BOSS : Johnson! You’re half an hour late for the board meeting!
JOHNSON : Yes sir, but that’s only 5 milliseconds to God!
Six Thousand Years?
Now, I had a suspicion what the point of this was, so I worked out the math and low and behold, a single day for God works out to just shy of a thousand years for us. That makes the six “days” of Genesis add up to “Less than six-thousand years”. And I thought “Oh, he’s a Young Earth Creationist” trying to somehow make the math work out. But then I remembered that even the most extreme fundamentalist young-earthers believe that there’s thousands of years of human history after the events of Genesis. So maybe the the six thousand years is just a coincidence?
I tried working it the other way, too. Maybe the universe is 6000 years old in God time. What does that work out to in human time? About two billion years. Less than half the age of the Earth (never mind the universe.)
Point is, I can’t make heads or tails of this insanity. But there’s a lot of it! This Kickstarter weighs in at 1800 words of crazy.
Kyle Walker starts this project by posing an intriguing question. If you were trapped in a box that was impossible to escape from, and time didn’t exist, how long would it take you to get out of the box? Oh wait, did I say intriguing? I meant “moronic and pretentious”.
Three paragraphs in, he decides to talk about the actual project.
So it’s a game console? One so revolutionary that it will change the way we view the world?
Or possibly it’s just a Rubik’s Cube. Who knows?
Luckily, he provides a link to a demo.
Don’t bother clicking the link. I took one for the team and clicked it for you.
It’s movie clips with really easy trivia questions super-imposed over them.
This is his revolutionary new “game system” that is going to change the way we perceive reality itself.
It’s already changed the way I perceive time; I seem to remember this impossible-to-duplicate technology showing up as a bonus feature on a Muppets DVD I owned ten years ago, which is in the past. But somehow, I now understand that Kyle Walker just now invented this technology.
No. We already know what risk is. You don’t need to define it for us! Certainly not in a long, rambling, underpunctuated pile of childish text. (Speaking of children, why is it bad if a new born is loved by someone?) You’re supposed to tell us the risks and challenges of your project.
I really would have thought this was obvious, but his mind has clearly been expanded by his revolutionary “Game system” that he can’t understand basic human expectations.
Ignore the image. That’s blatantly plagiarized from the marketing screenshots for “Metro:Last Light“.
So he’s going to build a gigantic “Tunnel of Fear”. How gigantic? He doesn’t say, but even if we assume a sedate, non-scary, average speed of 5mph, we wind up with a track-length about the length of the Disneyland monorail.
This project is based in Wales, but it’s clearly from a non-native English speaker. Was it created by the vanishingly small, possibly extinct group of Welsh people who grow up speaking only Welsh? No, turns out it’s from a Germain immigrant.
Now, if there’s one thing Germans are known for it’s, well ok, it’s WW2, but if there’s a second thing Germans are known for, it’s fantastic engineering projects! So how’s the tunnel of fear work? And how will it break my “barrier of courage”, whatever that means?
Ok, some of those things aren’t even real things.
Thanks to reader Beau B. for pointing this out to me!