Quickies

Fantasy Females


You expect me to pay twenty dollars for digital copies of pin-up sketches of fantasy creatures? Have you not even heard of DeviantArt?

This again?


Last time someone tried this stupid idea, they came here to KickFailure to lie about how many millions of dollars they were making with their stupid idea. I’m really hoping that happens again. I love crazy people.

Dark and Grity


The original Treasure Island is already a bit on the dark side, but check out the dialog in this “dark and gritty” reboot.

Black Dog : “You fucked up Billy, and the captain has a strict attitude regarding what happens with people who fucks up”
‘Captain’ Bill : “So just give me the fucking thing then!!!!”

Ah, what authentic 18th century dialog. Clearly, this was written “for adults”!

(Incidentally, the “fucking thing” that Bill is so impatient to be given is The Black Spot. You know, the death mark that terrified him so completely that he keeled over from a heart attack.)

Slick Serpents

Slick Serpants and Bad Apples
 The Christian Women’s Guide on why they must avoid romantic relationships with unsaved men, and what they should look for in a man

If there’s one thing a modern woman loves, it’s a bald white man telling her who she should and shouldn’t date.

You can click the image up top to see the project page and read his long description, including a summary of every chapter of the book, but I think this is a nice summarizing thought :
 I am confident that the message of this book will do wonders to encourage single Christian women to make better decisions for their lives regarding relationships and marriage. It will also help expose Satan’s plan for Christian women, as well as for the family. With your help, we can make this book happen, and this time, in a way that will be more acceptable to women. Please pledge whatever you can to help make this book a reality.

Still, I wonder what’s got this guy so hot and bothered about how women choose their lovers? Perhaps his Facebook account will reveal a clue!

Single

Well, that’s what I expected, but it doesn’t really indicate anything. Let’s take a look at his Twitter. Huh. There’s some racism here, both subtle and overt, but I think this is probably a good clue :


If that’s the reaction he’s getting from ladies, it’s no wonder he’s not getting his serpent slick.

Shiny Clown Mirrors

"Scary Clown(Not!)Fairground Musical Toy"!.

Here’s a scary clown toy! For some reason it’s in the “Tabletop Games” category. Whatever.

  Innovative, "PATENTED " boys/girls Fun creative fairground toy. Bring's you to all the fun of the fair without the scary clown!

Great! I love the fair! How does it bring the fair home to me?

The video explains it all!

Behold! A uniquely genuine toy designed to beguile, intrigue, and teach children from ages one to six.

Uniquely genuine?

A multi-fun, five-part, learning toy!

Oh boy! Five parts!

Three creative fun fairground distorted mirror. Each giving the child the delight of three new funny reflections.”

Fourth fun, exciting part is the base of the toy! A clown face! Hands! Feet!

Then the wonderful dancing music “Circus Circus” playing all the while the on/off switch is on!

(I’ve never heard of a song called “Circus Circus”. The video features the traditional circus tune “Entrance of the Gladiators“, so that’s probably what they mean.)

So, it’s a fun-house mirror for your regular house

What a wonderful illustration they’ve created of their fun-house mirror! They must be the only people in the world that can’t make a computer rendering shiny!

Anyway, what if, for some reason, I wanted a fun-house mirror that constantly plays circus music? Where could I get one?

  Hello I have invented and designed "Fun Fair Ground Clown" Toy  .I completed all the legal patent design myself rather than pay anything from £2,000/£5,000!I learned it all and was difficult but I believed in this design. I had lost my Promotional business and my home and I am determined to succeed for my son and our rescue "Greyhound" Holly "And two rescue cats "Moses and Eva" .I have also written and published the books  offered as A .reward.I desire to build a "DEMO" and bring it to "Manurfacturers"Above Is Promo Video for PATENTED TOY

Wait a moment! The books offered as a reward?!?

Pledge $3 or more
That’s right! She’s not manufacturing or selling the toy. She needs £25,000 to make one demo unit to try to sell the patent to the toy companies.

(As an aside, why would the toy companies buy this incredibly bland design from her? Couldn’t they design their own funny mirrors if they wanted to?)

All we get for helping her is a copy of one of two books she’s written. She hasn’t even told us the first thing about these books, not even the titles, but if you look at the samples of her writing we’ve seen here from the project page, I think we can guess what kind treat these books would be.

Totally Messed Up

TMU_01

This was a project to fund the printing of a graphic novel. That’s pretty straight forward. Lot’s of those on Kickstarter.

As is pretty common, this project suffered some serious delays. They were supposed to finish shipping in February 2013, but so far as I can tell they haven’t done it yet.

Pretty soon, a backer started asking the obvious question :
Is shipping almost completed?

Unfortunately, it looks like creator Haru Ruben made the elementary mistake of telling backers what they wanted to hear, instead of the truth.

Whenever someone would ask about the ship date, Haru would say, or at least strongly imply, that it’d be shipping out this week.

TMU_03a
TMU_03b

This is a trick that only works once, and Haru Ruben used it constantly.

Backer Brett Trout kept asking, not unreasonably, where the books were and how soon until they were shipped. And pointing out, again not unreasonably, that all of Haru’s statements about release dates were … questionable, at best.

(I want to stress, that backer Brett Trout’s posts were persistent, but polite throughout this entire deal.)

So what does the project creator do?

Banned!
Haha! That’s right he “bans” him from the project. Telling him that instead of a book, he’ll simply get a refund.

So, of course, Brett Trout asks the obvious question :

Where's my money.

And how did the project creator react?

TMU_06

Like a dick.

Fun With Lawsuits

The comment page is very long, and reads like a journal documenting the artist’s descent into incoherent paranoia.

Eventually, Even though Brett Trout does not appear to have done anything more threatening than ask for either the book he was promised or his money back, artist Haru Ruben decides that Trout is “dangerous” and “mentally ill”.

Why did Haru think Trout was mentally ill?

Because He dressed as Arthur Dent for Halloween.
I’m not even kidding.
8
(That link goes here.)

Then, because Trout is a lawyer, Ruben actually files a complaint with the Bar Association!

Lawsuit #1

Since filing a false complaint with the Bar Association is a serious form of Libel, Trout does exactly what you would expect a lawyer to do. He sues.

When you sue someone, it’s normal to hire a “process server”. That’s a person that will find the defendant’s home, and personally deliver the paperwork to them. This prevents them from claiming the papers were “lost in the mail”.

Here’s the hilarious part : Apparently Haru Ruben mistook the process server for some sort of contract killer.
7a

Lawsuit #2

Believing that he was being pursued by contract killers under the employ of a crazy person with a towel, Haru Ruben decided to take action!
tmu_09

This move apparently cost him $80,000 and, of course, delayed the project even longer. (But hey, they waited over a year, they can keep waiting!)

So what did Haru Ruben do? He sued back! To the tune of $83,000 of “real damages” plus legal expenses!

One of the pieces of evidence he claims he’s going to present is that he’s found the blogs 100 lawyers who did not dress as Arthur Dent for Halloween! I’m still not joking about that!

Haru is also going to present evidence that Trout’s own book on “Cyber Law” used “disturbing images of sexualized violence.”. By which he means, the cover was a picture of Lady Justice, dressed like Trinity from The Matrix. (It’s actually pretty tame. Lady Justice is often portrayed as having one of her breasts exposed. Justice is sexy.)

Predictably, he’s also going to present evidence that he’s found 100 lawyers who have not published a book on cyber justice featuring Lady Justice dressed as Trinity.

So where are we now?

The last blog update on the project was a year ago. Predictably, backers have been asking for an update.

Don’t worry. He’s promised to post one after the second of October.

TMU_11
True to form, I’m writing this on the 11th, and still no blog post.

Update : It’s now the 21st. Still no blog post.

Update : It’s now the 28th. Still no blog post.

Update : It’s now November. Still no blog post.

Update : It’s now December. Still no blog post.

Update : It’s now 2015. Still no blog post.

Update : It’s now 2016. Still no blog post.

Update! Chrono Mechanic

The plot thickens! It’s come to my attention that this is not the only Kickstarter that artist Haru Ruben was involved in.
He was also hired to do some of the custom books for the Chrono Mechanics kickstarter.
I am sorry to have to relate that the Chrono Mechanics 3D covers by Haru Ruben will not be made.  I hired Haru after seeing his work on his KS campaign - Totally Messed Up.  I sent him the start up money and the books.  He has not delivered on even one book.  I have tried time and time again to get him to complete the contract.  All I've gotten in return are lies on top of lies.  I thought he was honorable and had integrity when I hired him to take on this commission.

Update! Trout Wins Settlement!

Looks like Trout’s case against Haru Ruben went well.
 Brett Trout on April 28, 2015  Fred is correct. I sued Heru. We settled the case. Heru wrote me checks and agreed to not make any further statements about me. I paid him nothing and am under no obligation regarding making further statements about him.  I have the transcript of a very lengthy deposition I took of Heru that I believe would be of substantial value in any subsequent case against him in this matter. In the event anyone does file a lawsuit against Heru, I would be happy to provide your attorney with a copy of the transcript free of charge.

Books? I think?

InPrint_01

The first thing you’ll notice about this project is that the video has about a dozen elephants in it, but absolutely no mention of his project.

At this point you’re probably asking a question. You’re thinking “What the hell?”

All I can tell you is that I think this is a (ha ha!) ‘writer’ who is trying to sell some books.

The great thing about writers is that their Kickstarter project descriptions are always so well written.

 I have other stories. That I plan upon offering to the public. That is why I'am here! To get the stories to the public in an ' turn the page ' format. The video is of me ( razor cellular phone )riding public transport. lol. The monies is for : 1) An " Up to date " look for the books 2) Publishing for the books 3) Distribution for the books

Ok, buddy. Whatever you say.

If I back your project, whatever it is, what do I get out of it?

InPrint_03

Oh, so I can’t buy the book, but I can buy a raffle ticket? If my pledge is in the top half of one third?

That reminds me of my favorite passage from Kickstarter’s rules for project rewards.
no_raffles

The Truth about Google?

My revolutionary 1st book will change the world,

Finally! For once in our lives, we can learn the truth! And not just one or two truths, the truth about everything! All in a single PDF we could have gotten for $15!

These secrets have been held closely by certain circles of well managed, compartmentalized groups since the last great cataclysm and this information will be guarded and protected just as powerfully.

… Yes, of course. The last great cataclysm. … We learned all about that in history class. All those … cataclysms.

Well, not all the cataclysms, just, you know, the great ones.

Thank god for all those groups that are compartmentalized in to separate … groups.

That’s all definitely a thing we all know about and that you didn’t just make up.

I am anticipating some controversy to arise from a few of the concepts I am presenting in this book, but I am more than confident that the information will become self evident in the end.
Really? There’s no shortage of crazy people telling us “The truth”, why would you possibly think that one more would cause any controversy? Or even be noticed by anybody at all?

But he’s also giving to charity!

Contrary to Kickstarter guidelines, he’s promised to donate any money over and above the $3000 goal to UNICEF. (You can’t use Kickstarter for charity drives. Because that’s not how a legit charity drive would be done.) Here’s what he had to say about that.
I am also asking that UNICEF and Kickstarter help promote this fundraiser and hope that the guys at Kickstarter will actually match me in my funds for donation! It is worth trying and both this book and this disaster relief can make a huge impact on changing the world for the better!b
That is not how Kickstarter works.

Search Links? Or Something?

TruthEverything_04
At the bottom of his Kickstarter page were these three icons. They link to search engine (DuckDuckGo, Google, and Bing) searches for the text of his own project. (example link)

Why?!?
What the heck does he think he’s accomplishing? Does he think this is how social media buttons work? Does he think it’s an SEO tactic? Does he think having those buttons there will somehow bring more people to his page?

Either he misunderstands how Google works, or I do. If you have any idea what these buttons are supposed to do, let me know in the comments, because I’m honestly puzzled.

Comic book rip-offs.

WillemA_01
This man wants to publish a comic book.

That image in the project lead looks pretty good.

Too bad he didn’t create that image. It appears on virtually every “Desktop wallpaper” collection on the web!

WillemA_google

So, how far did this blatant plagiarism get him?

WillemA_04

Haha! Three dollars from three backers! Total failure.

Realizing that his biggest problem was that he didn’t plagiarize good enough source material, he tried again.

WillemA_02

This time he’s ripped off the “Time Traveler Essentials” poster (and t-shirt) by Ryan North (@ryanqnorth).

Challenges: I have to find a publisher, I have to get an illustrator or more likely 4 or 5, i have to get an editor and a dame[sic] good one. oh and I have to make sure the book don't suck.

Of Course! He’s plagiarizing his title images because he can’t draw. He’s just the writer. We’ve seen this before, but maybe this guy is a phenomenal writer.
I AM THE GALACTIC INQUISITOR, YOU SHALL BE JUDGED ON A CRITERIA FOR WHICH YOU SHALL NOT KNOW."  I awoke to the sound of a booming, grainy voice and the brightest white i've ever seen. "Its so fucking bright, can we tune that down a little please?" A painful shock ran down my spine as the voice rang out again. "YOU WILL NOT ASK QUESTIONS YOU ARE HERE TO BE JUDGED FOR A TERM NO LONGER THAN TWO THOUSAND EARTH YEARS." "Two thousand? What the crap are you." whoosh is all I hear as the floor falls out from under me. The brightness is replaced with darkness and falling. All I can hear is the sound of my screams sounding distant and muffled. The sting of cold as I wrap my arms around me and feel that I'm naked, thinking of frostbite I try to warm my nose. My hand passes right thru my head.

Wow, he does need a dame good copy editor.


See Also :

Preparing for Eternity.

Eimmortality_01

Hey, I recognize that robot! That’s TOPIO 3.0. Ping-Pong playing robot, and standard stock-photo any time somebody wants to make a crazy point about robots.

Let’s see what crazy point it’s being used for this time!

Eimmortality_04

Yup. That’ll do it.

Dr. Bolonkin Alexander believes that human immortality is coming soon, and he wants to tell us what to do to get ready for it.

He’s written this book to tell us “What to do now for your immortality or a resurrection in the future.

What will we look like as immortals?

Eimmortality_05

Oh wow. Pretty cool. I’d totally spend eternity as The Man of Steel.

But with my luck, I’d get stuck with the Asimo.

(Still, I’m glad that the E-Mans won’t look like Prince Adam.)

What else does the book cover?

Besides preparing for immortality, what else does the book teach us?
Eimmortality_02
Heaven is nice, but not nice enough. We need to get God to resettle in the Internet Net.

Eimmortality_03
Oh come on, now you’re just cribbing from Asimov!

Conclusion.

Look folks, you don’t need this book. If human immortality really is on the way, all you need to do to get ready is to become filthy rich. If you’re in the top 1% of the top 1% then the nice people at the Immortality Clinic will take care of everything for you. If you’re in the bottom 99.99%, then you won’t be able to afford immortality, so don’t worry about it.

(Incidentally, please tell your friends about this blog. I need the advertising money for my immortality fund. Thanks!)


See Also