I must be dreaming.
This woman wants $300 to take a bunch of photographs of her cats! Photographs of her cats!
Is she so out of her mind that she honestly thinks that we will pay money for pictures of her cats? Maybe she thinks we don’t know where to find cat photos? Could she possibly be so mind-boggling out of touch with reality that she thinks amateur cat photos are a rare and valuable item? Could she possibly be so vapid that when she looks at her cats she thinks “My cats are cute! That’s so original!”
Is she harboring a secret hope that these photos will become so popular that she’ll forever be known as “The Artist Who Takes Photos of Cats”?
It’s made all the more mystifying by the one and only example photo included in the project page. It’s not a good photo, and it’s not particularly cute by cat standards. When she was posting this project did she believe that this photo was so spectacular that it would speak for itself and we’d just start throwing money at her?
No, I have to assume that this project is a cover for some mafia money-laundering scheme. At the last moment it’ll be funded with a million dollars of stolen drug money, and then she’ll withdraw the money into a numbered account in a Swiss bank.
That’s the only explanation that doesn’t make my head hurt.
There are a lot of children’s books on Kickstarter. I mean a lot, and most of them are frankly pretty dire. I could probably fill this entire blog with nothing but children’s books, but I don’t because that would be boring, and even more mean spirited than this site usually is.
However, when you compare yourself to Doctor Seuss I expect great things. Anyone with the gall to compare themselves to one of the great masters in the field had better be able to back it up. So with that in mind, let’s dig into “The Star of Soreals”
I’m going to ignore this guy’s description of the book. It has a few typos, but whatever.
Ugh! Make it stop. This is weapons-grade bad poetry right here.
It’s clearly trying, and failing to hit a poetic meter, but I can’t figure out which one. (Compare to Seuss’s favorite meter, the sing-songy anapestic tetrameter.)
And the rhymes! Are you kidding me with those rhymes?!? “Interact / Matterfact”? “wants / thoughts”? “wants / flaunt”?!? THOSE DON’T EVEN WORK!
Ok, ok, there’s more to being “a Doctor Suessian style” than the poetry, the good doctor was also known for his wonderful pen and ink illustrations. So what kind of art does this masterpiece have for us?
Oh, for crying out loud! I give up.
Book handles! For £28. (about $42)
Do you find it too hard to hold a book, but too easy to turn the pages?
If so, you’re in luck. This will add an easy to grip handle to your book, and it will make page-turning a complicated multi-stage process!
Oh yea, smart guy? How are you going to turn the page without getting it wet?
Mind Control, huh? You’re telling me that mumbling guy at the bus stop was right?
This sounds serious! But how are me and my family in danger?
Holy shit! You’re right! I don’t have any defense against quantum charge attacks!
Please! Help me! How can I avoid having my brain zapped with a quantum charge device?
A neutron emitter? I don’t think my lease allows me to run a nuclear reactor in my apartment. They won’t even let me have a cat.
Really? That’s the biggest risk? You’re not worried that the Powers That Be will use their quantum entangled nanotech to induce a quantum charge that modifies your neural processes and suppresses your action potential, thereby preventing you from publishing your book?
That seems like the sort of thing They would do.
I kicked in a few dollars to this one, but I don’t think this one is going to make it. People are probably reluctant to kick in money without knowing what kind of “annotations” the book will have, and what will make it better than the many existing annotated versions. (Like this excellent version.)
However, even if they get the money and make the books, they will still fail.
Here’s the problem right here :
So, you’ve got a bunch of kids who don’t like reading, and aren’t very good at it. The solution to this problem is absolutely not to give the kids a book written in 1899 that they already know how it ends!
“Hey there. I know you think that reading is boring and old-fashioned, but check out this Victorian-era book about a farm girl and a scarecrow.” (When was the last time you even saw a real scarecrow?)
“You already know the story, so there won’t be any suspense at all!”
You might as well give them a copy of the Wall Street Journal for all the good it would do.
This woman needed $750 to self-publish a children’s book that she has written and illustrated.
I guess the hero of the story is a misshapen circle? And its misshapen parent?
On the other hand, What I believe is that some things require practice, and drawing pictures is one of those things.
See Also :
By the time this post goes live, civilization will presumably have ended.
Feeling lost? Not sure how to cope? You should have backed this project :
(By the way, notice that this project is by an outfit called “Master-Marketing-pr.com”, but they still only got 13 backers!)
The rest of the “survival guides” on Kickstarter were for a very specific (and entirely fictional) type of disaster :
Too “Serious”. Can I get something for the common man?
And the ladies?
And, of course :
You’ve got a book deal! Congratula- wait. You need six thousand dollars?
I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Let me diagram this out for you.
Sorry, lady, but if a publisher is asking you for money they’re not really a publisher. At best they might be a vanity press, at worse they’ll just disappear with your money.
Anyway, let’s listen to her video :
I believe I am a best-selling author. I have wrote a ten-thousand page book about coming out of bondage of things that have a stronghold on us.
TEN-THOUSAND PAGES?!? Holy crap! I’ve got to diagram this out again.
This is a truly record-breaking book! Amazing. No wonder the “publisher” wants so much money, they’ll have to cut down a whole forest to print it!
Wait a minute.
Oh, Maybe she meant to say “Ten-thousand words“. That’s not a novel! That’s a term paper!
So what we have here is a woman that is being scammed by a vanity press, who needs money to print her book, which is either a record breaking 10,000 pages long, or about 35 pages long.
That’s more than a little sad, actually.