Game Quest “Inventor”

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again : Never trust anyone who describes themselves as an “Inventor”.

Hello America - I’m Mark Ross, your local inventor, and I would like to welcome you to my Kickstater campaign for registering patents for Game Quest! What is Game Quest?

Real inventors describe themselves as “engineers”, “mechanics”, “chemists”, or “game designers”. Real inventors are proud of being experts in some field, and will tell you about it. People who just call themselves an “inventor” aren’t experts at anything, but they still want the cachet that goes with having a cool job description.

This video is a treat. Most of the video features him sitting at a desk with his new invention sealed in a cardboard box.

Spoilers : He never opens the box.

This is classic Kickstarter “Inventor” syndrome.

  • He’s doesn’t show us the invention (because he’s afraid we’ll steal it.)
  • He makes absurd claims then never backs them up, or even explains what they mean.
  • He thinks we’re all going to be hyped up by an invention he never shows us.
  • He describes a patent as an “achievement”.
  • All the rewards are just copies of the patent.

That last one is great. He honestly thinks we care about his patent? It’s just a boring government document. He might as well offer us a copy of his voter registration form. But that’s how Kickstarter “Inventors” think. They believe that a patent is a mystical document, and if they can only “achieve” one, they’ll be on easy street.

(Never mind that boardgames are typically not patented.)

Remember, this is not just a boardgame anymore, this is an interactive, interfacing game system. Interfacing your imagination into the board!

I really do recommend watching the video, it’s full of gems like this. Maybe it’ll get you excited about owning an autographed copy of his patent document.

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Boardgame Round-up

I’ve been looking at board, card, and tabletop games on Kickstarter lately. There are some great ones that I’m looking forward to, but there’s also … well, here are the ones that caught my eye. Make your own judgements.

Alpha Blue

Alpha Blue --  Venger Satanis presents an O5R, weird, gonzo, science-fantasy adventure about a brothel in space. Come relax at Alpha Blue.
Uh, yeah. … Look, I don’t want to sound like a prude, but, I am the customer and all, so I was wondering if maybe we could just have, you know, regular sex? Like, without the spear or the slimeworms?

Small Biz vs Big Government

 For small business owners, surviving the fundamental transformation of America is no game...until now.
This Monopoly rip-off makes no secret about being “Anti-Progressive” propaganda, but I can’t help but feel that the all too familiar caricature on their 500 dollar bill hints at another agenda they’re not willing to admit.
Monopoly Money with old-fashioned caricature .

Pharoahs Game

 I created board game right now called Pharaohs game, short but super fun game. Its a adaption of Pharaohs 9 a video game.
I’ve never heard of “Pharaohs 9”, and neither has Google, so I guess we’ve got to just read the description?
  I am a college student and I love board games. So i made my own, I beta texted the game and fans love it. the plane is to make about 50 beta text versions to I can give them to game stores / sell them to we can make a official copy. None of the table top gaming companies are taking walk in ideas.That's where you guys come in and lend a hand. I love you guys, and if your from ( 9gag )i really love you.
Oh, I see. The description tells us nothing at all. Still, it does make me wonder what he’s studying in college!
  God is my leader in my life. I am going to school to be a paster. I am 21, will be married in July 2014 ! Traveled to Japan, Korea, Mexico, and Canada. Want to live in England or Ireland of day. I love camping and nature hikes. I work at a car dealership at the moment. Being behind the desk is not for me.
I pity any parish desperate enough to hire this man.
(Thanks to @cobyhectic for the tip.)

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Nebulon Prime

NP_01

Here’s a new board game! It features a re-configurable board consisting of six triangle-shaped pieces!

… And that’s all I know about it.

…even though I watched the entire video, and read the entire project page.

Well, That’s not quite true. I do know how much it costs :
$250

Oh, wait. That’s just for the board. How much for the whole game?

NP_03


This project was helpfully suggested by reader Jez G.

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Dodge Bird

Dodge Bird -   An Iphone app, where the aim of the game is to steer the bird away from hitting the windows, and catch the insects!

So here’s another cel-phone game about a bird who has to avoid flying into stuff. Hooray.

Actually, this one looks like it’s not a “Flappy Bird Clone“. At least not an exactly clone.

So the aim of the game is you are controlling this bird, which is flying into the screen through buildings whilst trying to dodge the closed windows and trying to dodge all the objects in the building like chairs and tables etc. At the same time you will be trying to catch bugs, which are you food, and they represent your health. You have to keep eating as well as dodging to stay alive. So it will be a quite tricky game but that's what keeps users interested because its not to easy and its always ongoing!

So, basically you steer a bird around things and pick up bugs. Well, that’s pretty straight-forward.

The art in the cover image is not his (he stole it from @MrSeanG.) so we’re going to need his own work before we put down our money. Helpfully, he’s provided his prototype of the game.

(These appeared in the original article rotated 90° for no reason. I’ve fixed them to go easy on your necks. You’re welcome.)
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Dodge_Bird_S2

I dunno. These don’t look that great…

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Wait, I will get money? How will I get money.

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Ok, look. I know Kickstarter sometimes reads these things before they go up, but they sure as heck didn’t read this one. These kinds of rewards are strictly prohibited by Kickstarter policy, and actually most nation’s laws regulating investments. You can’t make money investing in a Kickstarter project.

Still, $100 Million in profits? Wow, he’s really optimistic! What kind of advertising does he have planned?

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He’s got a WAY of advertising that he WILL do, he can assure you of that!

Still, that last sentence seems kind of ominous. I wonder what it means.

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UPDATE :

I asked the artist who made the bird-with-goggles image if he was involved in this. I think we can all guess what he said, but it’s worth double-checking these things.


WTF, indeed!

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Newton’s Grand Theft Auto

  Newton's Cradle effect of your life showing each decision you make leads to consequences till you expire in life then the final act.

This is … some sort of video game? Maybe it’s about those Newton’s Cradle executive desk toys? Or maybe that’s a metaphor?

Well, Anyway, it’s in the video game category, and the funding goal is $195,000. Let’s see what it’s about.

Just like Grand Theft Auto this will be Newton's Cradle Effect of life showing good decisions verses bad decisions and the way your life follows the decisions you make. These will be decisions you make both good and bad till you eventually expire or die then see the final results of all those (decisions or decissions) you made, see right way and wrong way on decisions. We have all made bad decisions and sometimes wish we could redo them but we can not, so let us learn from them and not repeat them. "Your life is a result of the choices you make....If you don't like your life it is time to start making better choices." Mr. Zig Ziglar. One big factor of this video game is it will be starring YOU and your life right now, you are the star yes the main character.

O…K…

Well, I don’t understand any of this. I guess it’s an open world video game like Grand Theft Auto, except it’s about us? Somehow?

Here’s my favorite part :
NewtonCradle_04
Yes, one of those two spellings is the correct spelling. Don’t bother looking up which one.

Well, that’s incoherent giberish, but he links to a video. Maybe the video will explain things.
NewtonCradle_02
Nope!

Not that I don’t have total faith that this person can create a video game, but what are the risks and challenges?
it will change lives and make everyone that plays it see there are consequences from our actions

I’m convinced. Where do I sign up?
NewtonCradle_500


Based on a suggestion from @Jordan_Mallory.

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Poorly Drawn Drug Lord!

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Yet another phone game. Ok, what’s this one about?

In Drug Lord, you start out as a street dealer in Montana. As you progress you can hire manufacturers, dealers, and guards to help do your work for you.  You can expand your empire across the state in the first version of the game. In later expansions we will include states across I-90 and then branch in to the southern United States.
(He goes on to describe a pretty typical in-app-purchase system where you let players get started for free, then bleed ’em dry once they’re hooked on the game.)

Ok, so it’s a pretty standard business sim game. Except with the “naughty” twist of being about crime.

Actually, there are already a lot of drug-related business sim games on android. Including a game with the same name as this one!

But what’s with that terrible title image? Must be “programmer art”. Computer programers are notoriously bad at art.

DrugLord_03

Oh. Ok. So this is a game made by someone who can’t draw and can’t program, based on an idea that’s been done a hundred times, and with a title that’s already taken. Seems like he’s going to face some pretty serious ‘risks and challenges’!

DrugLord_04


See Also :

  • Subbies Subbies a “Rougelike” game for iOS. Subbies – Subbies a “Rougelike” game for iOS.
  • Questria My Little Human video game. Questria – My Little Human video game.
  • Haxel Combat Devolved Haxel – Combat Devolved
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Flappy birds!

FlappyBird
If you’ve been living in a deep-sea research habitat for the last month or two, you might not be aware that the latest cult phenomena in phone games is a very simple little game called “Flappy Bird”.

The game is simple. Tap the screen to move the bird upwards. Don’t tap and he plummets downwards.

The game languished in the app store unnoticed for months, until a lucky combination of Reddit posts, and YouTube reviews suddenly propelled it to the #1 spot on both iPhone and Android.

The original creator of the very simple game eventually got fed up with all the attention and pulled the game from the App Stores, but not before a zillion would-be opportunists decided they needed to jump on that Bandwagon.

There’s been a MMO version, a Virtual Reality version, and even an entire game jam!

Kickstarters!

We’re talking about a game that any competent programmer could recreate over the weekend.

So of course people are begging for money to do exactly that!




Need an Unauthorized Flappy Bird T-Shirt?


Want to bid on an iPhone with Flappy Bird on it?



See Also :

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Creative scam, I hope.

CreativeGames_01

Here’s a Kickstarter for a video game company named “The Creative Games”. Huh. Not the most creative name, but whatever.

What are they making? Nothing much. Only the most extensive and fully featured videogame in the history of mankind. That’s right.

CreativeGames_02

Wow. This game is even bigger than Grand Theft Auto V! GTAV was involved a team of well over a thousand people and an estimated budget of £170 million! (about $265 million)

So what astronomical sum of money is this project going to cost?

CreativeGames_03

HA-ha! $3,500cad (about $3150 US) You couldn’t even get a PS4 developers’ kit for that little, let alone hire people to use it! Crumby little phone games ripping off Candy Crush have budgets ten times that! Even if they get a hundred times their goal, this project is hilariously doomed to failure.

Who are the crazies behind this trainwreck?!?

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Oh no. … Please, don’t tell me …

CreativeGames_05

Ugh! It is. This is some clueless mother setting up her child for the most crushing, and embarrassingly public, disappointment of his life.

It’s made all the worse by the fact that there really are kids his age with realistic goals, doing phenomenally well on Kickstarter.

In fact, taken at face value this is horrible, so I choose to believe that this is a scam. I choose to believe that this is an intentional scam to prey on people who are charmed by a cute kid.

I have a certain respect for a well played con job, so that’s what I choose to believe this is, because the alternative is terrible.


Important Note: This post is a commentary on the project and the adults involved. Feel free to discuss this project in the comments, but if you post a comment criticizing or insulting the children involved, you will be banned.

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