Here’s a weird one. This man has invented a new way of telling time. Apparently if you use this new clock he’s invented, you’ll be understanding time as God understands it. You know, up in heaven or His own planet, or whatever.
He goes on in this vein for pages and pages which I won’t quote here, but he never really explains why I’d want this, besides some vague references to miracles or something.
This was the best use of this new timekeeping that I could think of.
BOSS : Johnson! You’re half an hour late for the board meeting!
JOHNSON : Yes sir, but that’s only 5 milliseconds to God!
Six Thousand Years?
Now, I had a suspicion what the point of this was, so I worked out the math and low and behold, a single day for God works out to just shy of a thousand years for us. That makes the six “days” of Genesis add up to “Less than six-thousand years”. And I thought “Oh, he’s a Young Earth Creationist” trying to somehow make the math work out. But then I remembered that even the most extreme fundamentalist young-earthers believe that there’s thousands of years of human history after the events of Genesis. So maybe the the six thousand years is just a coincidence?
I tried working it the other way, too. Maybe the universe is 6000 years old in God time. What does that work out to in human time? About two billion years. Less than half the age of the Earth (never mind the universe.)
Point is, I can’t make heads or tails of this insanity. But there’s a lot of it! This Kickstarter weighs in at 1800 words of crazy.
Hey, I recognize that robot! That’s TOPIO 3.0. Ping-Pong playing robot, and standard stock-photo any time somebody wants to make a crazy point about robots.
Let’s see what crazy point it’s being used for this time!
Yup. That’ll do it.
Dr. Bolonkin Alexander believes that human immortality is coming soon, and he wants to tell us what to do to get ready for it.
He’s written this book to tell us “What to do now for your immortality or a resurrection in the future.”
What will we look like as immortals?
Oh wow. Pretty cool. I’d totally spend eternity as The Man of Steel.
But with my luck, I’d get stuck with the Asimo.
(Still, I’m glad that the E-Mans won’t look like Prince Adam.)
What else does the book cover?
Besides preparing for immortality, what else does the book teach us?
Heaven is nice, but not nice enough. We need to get God to resettle in the Internet Net.
Oh come on, now you’re just cribbing from Asimov!
Look folks, you don’t need this book. If human immortality really is on the way, all you need to do to get ready is to become filthy rich. If you’re in the top 1% of the top 1% then the nice people at the Immortality Clinic will take care of everything for you. If you’re in the bottom 99.99%, then you won’t be able to afford immortality, so don’t worry about it.
(Incidentally, please tell your friends about this blog. I need the advertising money for my immortality fund. Thanks!)
These two went up within a week of each-other.
Basically, a “Unified Theory” is a single theory that would link all forms of physics. Apparently, this is very difficult to do. Albert Einstein spent many years attempting it. So has Stephan Hawking and many other great minds. So far : nothing.
But that didn’t stop these guys!
I wonder how that even works. If light is staying still and we’re moving, how does light works in both directions? I guess I’d need to pledge $25 to find out.
One (Andrew’s Theory)
“Hi, Kickstarters! My name is Andrew Macauley and I am The Scholar of the Brightest Star.”
Hi Jackass, I’m The Blogger of Perpetual Contempt!
That’s already got a name. It’s called “Philosophy”. Seriously, that’s pretty much the textbook definition of philosophy. Not that he’d know. I’m not convinced Mr Macauley has ever opened a textbook.
And he went on like this for pages and pages. Or … I guess he will go on like this, since the past comes after the present?
Hey! This is the same nonsense Joe was trying to sell us!
Here’s a final thought from The Scholar of the Brightest Star :
So how are they doing?
There’s a certain cosmic beauty in the fact that both of these projects (at the time I wrote this) have exactly one backer
But here’s what confuses me :
Why are there two of these projects running at the same time?
Besides the obvious irony of two Theories of One, it seems like too much of a coincidence for both of these to have popped up within a week of each-other.
If anyone has any theories or explanations please leave them in the comments, because I’d love to hear them.
Honest to can, when I saw the name of this project I really believed it would be about hollow metal cylinders somehow relating to the almighty. I thought maybe it was some kind of inspirational novelty gift item like I’ve drawn above.
In actual fact, it’s yet another set of T-Shirts.
After seven years of nobody wanting your crumby t-shirts and you haven’t figured out what’s going wrong?
Let me crack the code for you : Your shirts are dumb, boring, and confusing.
See Also (More T-Shirts):