A poet in a suit


A poetry book by a man named “Church”.

The Story Of The Suit: I wore this same suit for a year. Jade Howe the Designer gave it to me. It didn't wrinkle and you could sleep in it. I would show up everywhere in the suit. Red Carpets, Backstage, late night trailer park runs, Tour Buses, Private Jets, Strange Booths, Truck Stops and know one even noticed that I was in the same suit that I had been ritualistically wearing for 1 full year. Dry Cleaned when necessary. While I perched in a HOG CLOT Suite with the complimentary Robe, Slippers, and designer bar of Dirty Barnacle Soap whilst the Do Not Disturb sign hangeth from the door nob.

Oh, give it a rest. Hangeth? Are you kidding me?

Ok, I’m starting to get some idea why nobody mentioned the suit.

The Video :

Don’t miss the video. I’m sure we’re meant to think it’s just fraught with deep meaning and symbolism.

Update :

Four days after this project failed reaching only 2% of its goal, he has launched it again!


Haiku for Dicks and T-Shirts

DickHaiku - 5 - 7- 5 and related to dick jokes. With the raised money I will produce funny shirts and stickers for you and your friends.
This man wants to raise $700 to print T-shirts with haiku on them.

Haiku about dicks.

Every Haiku he writes is about his penis.

He gives a sample of a haiku he might use :

one time, my penis
ran for local school board and
then killed a llama.

I’m going to be honest here. That haiku sucks.

But, maybe he has better ones! Let’s take a look at his twitter feed!

Kickstarters, do you really want to give this guy your address?

Anything you can do, I can do better

So, this inspired me. Maybe there’s an audience out there for Haiku printed on T-shirts? I can do that! I’ve written two of them :

Haiku T-Shirt : No rainy sidewalks, panhandle the blogosphere, beg on kickstarter haiku_buskers
(Click to buy these shirts. This is not a joke.)

Or maybe there’s only a market for haiku about dicks? I guess I can do that.
Haiku T-shirt : Haiku for your dick, it's too short.



There are a lot of children’s books on Kickstarter. I mean a lot, and most of them are frankly pretty dire. I could probably fill this entire blog with nothing but children’s books, but I don’t because that would be boring, and even more mean spirited than this site usually is.

However, when you compare yourself to Doctor Seuss I expect great things. Anyone with the gall to compare themselves to one of the great masters in the field had better be able to back it up. So with that in mind, let’s dig into “The Star of Soreals

The Star of Soreals is a seussian story, a whimsical tale, and a fun allegory, about different folks and their transformative glory.

I’m going to ignore this guy’s description of the book. It has a few typos, but whatever.

Lived two types of folks who did not interact // They lived on their own side of the track matterfact. On Type of these folks was known as sowants // 'Cause they wanted whatever eachother would flaunt. No the sonots were so afraid of the Sowants // that instead they just focused on all their own thoughts.
Ugh! Make it stop. This is weapons-grade bad poetry right here.
It’s clearly trying, and failing to hit a poetic meter, but I can’t figure out which one. (Compare to Seuss’s favorite meter, the sing-songy anapestic tetrameter.)

And the rhymes! Are you kidding me with those rhymes?!? “Interact / Matterfact”? “wants / thoughts”? “wants / flaunt”?!? THOSE DON’T EVEN WORK!

Ok, ok, there’s more to being “a Doctor Suessian style” than the poetry, the good doctor was also known for his wonderful pen and ink illustrations. So what kind of art does this masterpiece have for us?

soreals_06 soreals_05

Oh, for crying out loud! I give up.

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