IndieGoGo redesign.

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Whenever I’m stuck for content on this blog, I can always depend on IndieGoGo to provide as many completely insane projects as I need to meet my schedule.

Imagine my surpise when I discovered that IndieGoGo had “reinvented” itself.

This could be a disaster! (for me.) I need to go through the check-list to make sure it hasn’t really changed.

Water powered car? –Check

engine_water

He thinks he’s going to use an electric pump to push water over a waterwheel which will power the pump. He must be six years old.

Teenager who wants expensive toy for free? –Check

objectiveC

Yeah, ok, Objective-C is an Apple standard. It’s not going to work on Glass.

Asshole who thinks shameless greed is funny and clever? –Check

personal_gain
This is so not clever that I’ve already made fun of at least one person who had this exact same stupid idea.

Did he really think it would be that easy?

Creepy sex stuff? (NSFW) –Check

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Cybermatrix 100

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Ladies and gentlemen, meet inventor Schaun Bishop (aka “Piscea Sikono”). He’s twice tried to launch the same project on Kickstarter, but first let’s see what he has to say about himself.

I LIVE IN ST LOUIS FOR ABOUT 18 YEARS NOW, AND I WAS RAISED IN A POOR HOUSEHOLD, GOT HOSPITILIZED 15 DIFFERENT TIMES AND I ALWAYS SPEND MONEY ON THINGS I ONLY WANT RATHER NEED. IN A HOUSE OF JUST MY PARENTS AND ME, HOWEVER I WAS RAISED IN ORLANDO, FL IN A HOUSE OF 2 OLDER SISTERS, AND ONE OLDER BROTHER. I WAS RAISED IN A LARGE SIZED FAMILY, BUT I LIVE ALONE WITH PARENTS THAT LOVES ME AND CARES FOR ME. I JUST WISH I DIDN'T ABUSE THEM.
That … doesn’t really give me confidence that he can effectively manage $25,000 of our money.

To do a Kickstarter, you really need to be skilled in money management and — wait. … What was that last bit?
cyber_03
Yikes! Let’s just move right on to the project, shall we?

A world-changing invention

CYBRMATRIX 100

Actually, he calls his invention the “Cybermatrix 100″, but whatever. Maybe he’s gone all New-Media/Web2.0 on us. (Like “Tumblr”)

CYBER MATRIX NOW LOADING...

What does it do?

the cybermatrix has the ability to make video and cyber based games using one engine, and you can make movies and music as well using one engine.it comes with the powerbooth, powerportal, cyberstove, rom attatchment, galaxy attatchment, artificial intelligence system [ai system], and power-controller.

My favorite part is the cyber stove. I’m going to use it to heat up some cyber mac&cheese.

As far as I can tell, this is some absurd cross between a gaming console, and a full-body virtual reality device that literally uploads you to cyberspace a la ‘Tron‘ or ‘The Matrix‘.

The numerous illustrations show something that looks like an x-box controller, but also a giant blue oval with sliding doors that the user is apparently sealed into during operation.

You’re probably following all this so far, but you’re wondering what will you see while the device is loading the files it needs to operate? Mr. Bishop has anticipated your curiosity, and illustrated with this informative diagram :
CyberMatrix - Now Loading

Cyberspace is dangerous

We’ve all seen movies. I learned at an early age from documentaries like ‘The Matrix‘ and ‘VR5‘ that if you die in cyberspace you die in real life, or at best become a mindless vegetable. Better check the FAQ (that I swear I am not making up) to make sure he’s taken care of this frightening possibility.
FAQ (about getting trapped in CYBERSPACE!)

That’s all well and good, but it still leaves one question un-answered.

for people who are concerned about my console being used as an act of terror, it won't.

Now that he’s answered our questions, it’s only fair that he get to ask us a question.

dear users:  i was wondering when i get a virtual prototype from invention home, after i get my project funded, what tools do i need on how to make a physical prototype out of my virtual prototype?  i also need advice on how to build it?  if anyone has answers, let me know.  schaun out.


Thanks to reader @0xC0FFEE for teaching me, to my astonishment, that my favorite beverage can be represented in hexadecimal, and for recommending the topic for this article.

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Stay Classy Tiny Periscope

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He’s a little mirror that clips onto your smart phone’s camera. Like a tiny periscope.

As someone who has fond memories of my father’s antique reflex cameras and is also a little shy about taking pictures, I think this is a great idea. It’s a great way to get more casual candid shots of your friends and family, and it’ll allow you to hold your camera phone at a more natural angle, so you don’t look like a phone zombie.

I know what you’re thinking…

Sure, we can all think of less-than-honorable uses for this little gizmo, but these people are trying to run a business. I’m sure they’re going to appeal to people’s better nature and promote this as nothing more untoward than a tool for creating art.

Sample photographs

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Uhm, sure. Look. Young love. That can be artistic.

I’m sure that lady isn’t just going to gossip about that photo on Facebook. She’s probably going to display it proudly at her next gallery appearance.

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Well… Hmmm…. Ok, I can only assume that this gentleman was taking some architectural photographs of that lovely cafe when the waitress accidentally walked in-shot. What a shame. I’m sure she ruined a wonderful photograph.

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Oh.

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Books? I think?

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The first thing you’ll notice about this project is that the video has about a dozen elephants in it, but absolutely no mention of his project.

At this point you’re probably asking a question. You’re thinking “What the hell?”

All I can tell you is that I think this is a (ha ha!) ‘writer’ who is trying to sell some books.

The great thing about writers is that their Kickstarter project descriptions are always so well written.

 I have other stories. That I plan upon offering to the public. That is why I'am here! To get the stories to the public in an ' turn the page ' format. The video is of me ( razor cellular phone )riding public transport. lol. The monies is for : 1) An " Up to date " look for the books 2) Publishing for the books 3) Distribution for the books

Ok, buddy. Whatever you say.

If I back your project, whatever it is, what do I get out of it?

InPrint_03

Oh, so I can’t buy the book, but I can buy a raffle ticket? If my pledge is in the top half of one third?

That reminds me of my favorite passage from Kickstarter’s rules for project rewards.
no_raffles

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Money Trim

  MoneyTrim is a semi-permanent paper/cloth trim that runs around the border of currency, essentially improving on its presentation!

  Money Trim is the application of semi-permanent paper/cloth-like trim that will run around the border of currency, essentially improving on its presentation.  $1, $2, $5, $10, $50 and $100 dollar bill can all be adorned.  Considerations are the material and functionality in vending machines as well as following all applicable laws and ethics.

*sigh*. Do I even need to say anything, here?

Reward Levels

When you write a blog like this, eventually you stop caring about how dumb the projects are, and start trying to get into the head of the people who make them. This is what I find fascinating.

Here is the only reward level on this project.
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He’s not offering anything in exchange for helping get his crazy business off the ground.

I suppose that if you just read (or more likely skimmed) Kickstarter’s promotional materials, you might somehow get the impression that Kickstarter users were just crazy, rich philantropists who were handing out money like candy out of the pure goodness of their hearts.

… But if you were making a Kickstarter project, wouldn’t you at the absolute least take five minutes to look at other projects? To check to make sure you understood correctly? To make sure someone didn’t beat you to your brilliant idea? Or even out of basic human curiosity?

How does this guy not understand how this works?!?

Oh well. He’ll learn.

Project by Robert Liguori  Absecon, NJ

Or maybe not.




This project was kindly suggested by @Fruv.

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Newton’s Grand Theft Auto

  Newton's Cradle effect of your life showing each decision you make leads to consequences till you expire in life then the final act.

This is … some sort of video game? Maybe it’s about those Newton’s Cradle executive desk toys? Or maybe that’s a metaphor?

Well, Anyway, it’s in the video game category, and the funding goal is $195,000. Let’s see what it’s about.

Just like Grand Theft Auto this will be Newton's Cradle Effect of life showing good decisions verses bad decisions and the way your life follows the decisions you make. These will be decisions you make both good and bad till you eventually expire or die then see the final results of all those (decisions or decissions) you made, see right way and wrong way on decisions. We have all made bad decisions and sometimes wish we could redo them but we can not, so let us learn from them and not repeat them. "Your life is a result of the choices you make....If you don't like your life it is time to start making better choices." Mr. Zig Ziglar. One big factor of this video game is it will be starring YOU and your life right now, you are the star yes the main character.

O…K…

Well, I don’t understand any of this. I guess it’s an open world video game like Grand Theft Auto, except it’s about us? Somehow?

Here’s my favorite part :
NewtonCradle_04
Yes, one of those two spellings is the correct spelling. Don’t bother looking up which one.

Well, that’s incoherent giberish, but he links to a video. Maybe the video will explain things.
NewtonCradle_02
Nope!

Not that I don’t have total faith that this person can create a video game, but what are the risks and challenges?
it will change lives and make everyone that plays it see there are consequences from our actions

I’m convinced. Where do I sign up?
NewtonCradle_500


Based on a suggestion from @Jordan_Mallory.

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World’s Dumbest Keychain

Stiktag offers a unique Keyring identification & recovery solution available to all Smart Phone & PC users around the world.

A new keychain? Why do I need a new keychain?

Did you know that over 2 million people report lost keys every year? Some statistics claim this number is actually more than triple that amount.  While 96% of these keys are found by the community, only 10% or less are recovered by their rightful owners.

Ok, so people are losing keys, and even when somebody finds the keys they don’t know who to return them to.

Got it.

So what’s the solution?

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StikTag_05
… Wha?

So … the simple, cheap solution to let people know who your keys belong to is to attach your keys to a tag with an NFC chip in it that is also printed with a QR code, so that when Joe Public finds your lost keys he can scan it with his smartphone (after he downloads the right app) and then be redirected to a webpage that these people have set up on your behalf. Then the webpage will let Joe Public know your phone number so that he can call you and arrange to give your keys back to you!

Simple! (Not actually simple.)

Another Possible Solution

Obviously, this is a great idea, but I did a little brainstorming, and I think I may have come up with a comparable solution.
keychain_1

Oh, I’m sorry. Am I thinking like an old man again?

Let me Internet that up for you.

keychain_2

There we go! Perfect.

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The Truth about Google?

My revolutionary 1st book will change the world,

Finally! For once in our lives, we can learn the truth! And not just one or two truths, the truth about everything! All in a single PDF we could have gotten for $15!

These secrets have been held closely by certain circles of well managed, compartmentalized groups since the last great cataclysm and this information will be guarded and protected just as powerfully.

… Yes, of course. The last great cataclysm. … We learned all about that in history class. All those … cataclysms.

Well, not all the cataclysms, just, you know, the great ones.

Thank god for all those groups that are compartmentalized in to separate … groups.

That’s all definitely a thing we all know about and that you didn’t just make up.

I am anticipating some controversy to arise from a few of the concepts I am presenting in this book, but I am more than confident that the information will become self evident in the end.
Really? There’s no shortage of crazy people telling us “The truth”, why would you possibly think that one more would cause any controversy? Or even be noticed by anybody at all?

But he’s also giving to charity!

Contrary to Kickstarter guidelines, he’s promised to donate any money over and above the $3000 goal to UNICEF. (You can’t use Kickstarter for charity drives. Because that’s not how a legit charity drive would be done.) Here’s what he had to say about that.
I am also asking that UNICEF and Kickstarter help promote this fundraiser and hope that the guys at Kickstarter will actually match me in my funds for donation! It is worth trying and both this book and this disaster relief can make a huge impact on changing the world for the better!b
That is not how Kickstarter works.

Search Links? Or Something?

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At the bottom of his Kickstarter page were these three icons. They link to search engine (DuckDuckGo, Google, and Bing) searches for the text of his own project. (example link)

Why?!?
What the heck does he think he’s accomplishing? Does he think this is how social media buttons work? Does he think it’s an SEO tactic? Does he think having those buttons there will somehow bring more people to his page?

Either he misunderstands how Google works, or I do. If you have any idea what these buttons are supposed to do, let me know in the comments, because I’m honestly puzzled.

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