Sore Losers : Witches

This month Etsy banned witchcraft! In fact, they banned all kinds of flim-flam. You can still sell crystals, but you can’t claim that they’re magical.

The “metaphysical community” is said to be “furious”.

Of course, you’d think that people who can control the mystic powers of the universe would be able to do something about this, right? Well, one of them has.

Online marketplace for Pagans

(Meanwhile, Bill Nye the Science Guy raised $1.2 Million with his Kickstarter campaign. Maybe science is more popular than superstition after-all?)

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Sore Losers : Confederates

In 1954 the supreme court ruled that black people must be allowed to attend “white” schools. When this happened, many southern states pulled their long-forgotten rebel battle flags out of museums, and started flying them over government buildings to protest the ruling. (and other similar rulings.)

Sixty years later, public opinion is turning against those flags, and many of them are coming down.

Some people are pretty salty about that. Crazy people.

Hand-Crafted Confederate Flags Made In The USA

Hand-crafted flags, huh?


Wait? Kickstarter backers? This is IndieGoGo! Apparently they used to be on Kickstarter until Kickstarter decided to pull the plug on confederate flag projects. They’re so committed and professional that they completely forgot to proof-read their marketing copy before launching their IndieGoGo project. (They also neglected to film a pitch video, even though anyone who does their research knows that projects rarely succeed without one.)

They’re optimistic though!
We are also proposing a stretch goal of $1,000,000 which would be used to open the Confederate Flag Company flagship store right here in the heart of Dixie - Nashville, Tennessee. There are very high costs associated with opening a storefront, but doing so would allow us to expand our product line to include clothing, lunchboxes, and more.
A million bucks? To open a flag store that only sells Confederate flags?

(Incidentally, despite being in the “heart of Dixie”, Tennessee was the last state to join the Confederacy, and the first state to rejoin the USA! Eastern Tennessee was strongly pro-USA throughout the entire war, despite being on the other side!)

This old man (I assume) who actually calls himself “Black Knight of the Confederacy” (no really!) is going to reach out to “the youth”, by creating a podcast about how awesome the Confederacy and its flag is!
I wonder if we should tell him that podcasts are mostly listened to by non-youth with long commutes.

How’s the opposition doing?

Bail for Bree -  Support Bree Newsome, brave activist in jail for taking down South Carolina's Confederate flag.
Edit:By the time this article published, this project was over a $100k!

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Be Prepared.


Stephen Lauzon needs just over 4.9 million dollars (Canadian) to build an underground arcology-style bomb shelter. Capable of completely supporting a minimum of 500 people for three years.

Why? He doesn’t say. We can only assume that he knows something that we don’t.

Notice that the entrance to the hot tub is flanked by statues of angels. This is important.

Huh. I’m not sure Stephen Lauzon understands how trees work. Where are the roots of that tree?

The INDURATUS Project - Stage 2 has been established to move from proven design and engineering of system components, to complete the fabrication of a state-of-the-art, technologically advanced, Underground Shelter System designed to effectively mitigate (to military specifications) ALL modern day potential threats; CBRN (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear), EMP (Electro-Magnetic Pulse - Solar Flare) and Seismic (to an engineering equivalency of +10 on the Richter Scale).

OK, I don’t know what terrible thing Stephen Lauzon is planning for, but I’m convinced! I played Fallout. I know that to survive we must move to underground vaults.

How do I get in on this?!?


A cap?!? I pay a thousand dollars so you can build a vault to save yourself from the upcoming horrors of nuclear devastation destined to destroy the surface world with such completeness that our great cities will be razed and the living will envy the dead, and all I get out of it is a fucking cap?!?

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Fake cardboard box.


Is your child too stupid to make a fort out of a cardboard box? Buy him or her this $50 kit!

We've found that so many of the latest toys come with a set of instructions or one "right way to play," limiting creativity and innovation. Defining your own play is a scary and unfamiliar activity, and it's even more daunting on a large scale -- unless it's in the form of a fort. But forts use up all of the furniture, consume the entire living room, and stay there for weeks.

Am I the only one who sees the contradiction here? Oh no! There are too many single-play-style toys on the market?

What’s the solution?

Take an activity that kids have been doing on their own since time immemorial, and give them a pre-manufactured kit designed specifically for that and nothing else!!

Your kid can even draw on it! … in the small specially designated drawing square, specifically designed by adults to be drawn on by children.


I guess a real cardboard box might have some dirt on it or something. Can’t take that risk.

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Apple Watch’s Crown.

What makes the Apple Watch unique? What feature does it have that all the other smart watches on the market lack?

A Crown


No, not that crown! This crown!

Apple watch crown - Every King Needs A Crown

It’s a metal bumper case for your Apple Watch. You know in case you … drop it … somehow?

We designed the apple watch to give consumers a bit more flexibility after they've purchased they're Apple Watch. we would like the entry level consumers of the Apple Watch Sport to add the crown to they're device and give it a more premium look and feel.
Translation : “Didn’t pay $18,000 for the ‘Edition’ Apple Watch? This grainy 3d-printed bumper case is just as good!”

(Oddly enough, this same text appears elsewhere in their Kickstarter page without the spelling errors.)

Do you think these clowns even realize that a watch “crown” is the little knob on the end of the winding stem?

They seem to be offering these in every material supported by 3d printing service. So order a grainy metal case for your watch today!

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Fantasy Females

You expect me to pay twenty dollars for digital copies of pin-up sketches of fantasy creatures? Have you not even heard of DeviantArt?

This again?

Last time someone tried this stupid idea, they came here to KickFailure to lie about how many millions of dollars they were making with their stupid idea. I’m really hoping that happens again. I love crazy people.

Dark and Grity

The original Treasure Island is already a bit on the dark side, but check out the dialog in this “dark and gritty” reboot.

Black Dog : “You fucked up Billy, and the captain has a strict attitude regarding what happens with people who fucks up”
‘Captain’ Bill : “So just give me the fucking thing then!!!!”

Ah, what authentic 18th century dialog. Clearly, this was written “for adults”!

(Incidentally, the “fucking thing” that Bill is so impatient to be given is The Black Spot. You know, the death mark that terrified him so completely that he keeled over from a heart attack.)

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Cube the Roll!

 A tissue box that can be used both on the bathroom roller and on any flat surface. Custom designed. This item has a patent.

I’m glad to hear that this item has a patent! I was really worried! I can’t tell you how many Kickstarter projects I don’t back because I can’t tell whether or not they have a patent!

But what the heck is it?

Judging from the one and only photograph (no video) it looks like it’s a tissue box with two holes punched in it. … And then placed on a toilet paper dispenser? For some reason?


Having a large family we were faced with extreme challenges to keep our bathrooms sanitized and germ free at all times. Most tissues rolls seem to fall to the floor where liquid waste is erroneously dispersed by male toddlers, adolescent’s or even those adults that just can’t get the aim right! Some rolls were dropped in the toilet by one of my many grandchildren and even sometimes chewed up by our family pet. I wanted a remedy.

That’s … not a real problem! That is not a real problem that people have!

I mean, just to spell it out for the people who have never changed a roll of toilet paper, the roll can’t “fall off” the dispenser! There’s a rod going through it. This is not some sort of conjurer’s linking rings trick being performed in your bathroom by lavatory sorcerers!

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Maybe her toilet-paper holder is broken, but she doesn’t realize. Maybe her kids, unbeknownst to her, are unhitching the mechanism. Maybe, but who cares? This invention wouldn’t solve either of those problems.


Not only that, It’s expensive. I don’t mean that she’s only giving samples to people (ok, “person”) who pledge $100, or more. I mean that toilet paper costs $1.73 per thousand sheets, and facial tissue costs $16.64 per thousand sheets. I realize that a facial tissue provides a little more, ahem, ‘coverage‘ than a sheet of toilet paper, but not nine and half times more!

Finally, if you choose to invest in this exciting new technology developed by punching two holes into a cardboard box, I hope you’ve got a good plumbing system. Facial tissues aren’t designed to be flushable, and a surprising amount of household plumbing just can’t handle them.

No wonder there’s “liquid waste” on the floor of her bathroom.

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Fab Flab App Under Wraps

 I want to create a health and fitness app that's going to revolutionise the way we think about food and exercise.

A dieting app? As if there weren’t any of those!

Ok so there's plenty of apps out there that can count calories, give you diet suggestions and workout programs. My app will incorporate all these functions with 1 key difference that targets the way we choose food. There isn't an app out there on the market that contains my key concept so I can't give away much more than that. All I can say is anyone that's trying to loose weight, trying to sculpt a better body or simply trying to maintain their current physique, this app is for you!

He wants $50,000aud (about $38k American) and he won’t even tell us what the app does!

He’s asking for money and telling us he can’t tell us what it’s for!

Whatever you do for a living, next time you talk to a customer, try this strategy! See if it works!

(If they don’t look like they’re going for it. Show them some photographs of a pale and hairless male torso.)

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