Be Prepared.



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Stephen Lauzon needs just over 4.9 million dollars (Canadian) to build an underground arcology-style bomb shelter. Capable of completely supporting a minimum of 500 people for three years.

Why? He doesn’t say. We can only assume that he knows something that we don’t.

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Notice that the entrance to the hot tub is flanked by statues of angels. This is important.

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Huh. I’m not sure Stephen Lauzon understands how trees work. Where are the roots of that tree?

The INDURATUS Project - Stage 2 has been established to move from proven design and engineering of system components, to complete the fabrication of a state-of-the-art, technologically advanced, Underground Shelter System designed to effectively mitigate (to military specifications) ALL modern day potential threats; CBRN (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear), EMP (Electro-Magnetic Pulse - Solar Flare) and Seismic (to an engineering equivalency of +10 on the Richter Scale).

OK, I don’t know what terrible thing Stephen Lauzon is planning for, but I’m convinced! I played Fallout. I know that to survive we must move to underground vaults.

How do I get in on this?!?

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A cap?!? I pay a thousand dollars so you can build a vault to save yourself from the upcoming horrors of nuclear devastation destined to destroy the surface world with such completeness that our great cities will be razed and the living will envy the dead, and all I get out of it is a fucking cap?!?

Fake cardboard box.

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Is your child too stupid to make a fort out of a cardboard box? Buy him or her this $50 kit!

We've found that so many of the latest toys come with a set of instructions or one "right way to play," limiting creativity and innovation. Defining your own play is a scary and unfamiliar activity, and it's even more daunting on a large scale -- unless it's in the form of a fort. But forts use up all of the furniture, consume the entire living room, and stay there for weeks.

Am I the only one who sees the contradiction here? Oh no! There are too many single-play-style toys on the market?

What’s the solution?

Take an activity that kids have been doing on their own since time immemorial, and give them a pre-manufactured kit designed specifically for that and nothing else!!

Your kid can even draw on it! … in the small specially designated drawing square, specifically designed by adults to be drawn on by children.

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I guess a real cardboard box might have some dirt on it or something. Can’t take that risk.

Apple Watch’s Crown.

What makes the Apple Watch unique? What feature does it have that all the other smart watches on the market lack?

A Crown

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No, not that crown! This crown!

Apple watch crown - Every King Needs A Crown

It’s a metal bumper case for your Apple Watch. You know in case you … drop it … somehow?

We designed the apple watch to give consumers a bit more flexibility after they've purchased they're Apple Watch. we would like the entry level consumers of the Apple Watch Sport to add the crown to they're device and give it a more premium look and feel.
Translation : “Didn’t pay $18,000 for the ‘Edition’ Apple Watch? This grainy 3d-printed bumper case is just as good!”

(Oddly enough, this same text appears elsewhere in their Kickstarter page without the spelling errors.)

Do you think these clowns even realize that a watch “crown” is the little knob on the end of the winding stem?

They seem to be offering these in every material supported by Shapeways.com 3d printing service. So order a grainy metal case for your watch today!

Cube the Roll!

 A tissue box that can be used both on the bathroom roller and on any flat surface. Custom designed. This item has a patent.

I’m glad to hear that this item has a patent! I was really worried! I can’t tell you how many Kickstarter projects I don’t back because I can’t tell whether or not they have a patent!

But what the heck is it?

Judging from the one and only photograph (no video) it looks like it’s a tissue box with two holes punched in it. … And then placed on a toilet paper dispenser? For some reason?

Why?

Having a large family we were faced with extreme challenges to keep our bathrooms sanitized and germ free at all times. Most tissues rolls seem to fall to the floor where liquid waste is erroneously dispersed by male toddlers, adolescent’s or even those adults that just can’t get the aim right! Some rolls were dropped in the toilet by one of my many grandchildren and even sometimes chewed up by our family pet. I wanted a remedy.

That’s … not a real problem! That is not a real problem that people have!

I mean, just to spell it out for the people who have never changed a roll of toilet paper, the roll can’t “fall off” the dispenser! There’s a rod going through it. This is not some sort of conjurer’s linking rings trick being performed in your bathroom by lavatory sorcerers!

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Maybe her toilet-paper holder is broken, but she doesn’t realize. Maybe her kids, unbeknownst to her, are unhitching the mechanism. Maybe, but who cares? This invention wouldn’t solve either of those problems.

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Not only that, It’s expensive. I don’t mean that she’s only giving samples to people (ok, “person”) who pledge $100, or more. I mean that toilet paper costs $1.73 per thousand sheets, and facial tissue costs $16.64 per thousand sheets. I realize that a facial tissue provides a little more, ahem, ‘coverage‘ than a sheet of toilet paper, but not nine and half times more!

Finally, if you choose to invest in this exciting new technology developed by punching two holes into a cardboard box, I hope you’ve got a good plumbing system. Facial tissues aren’t designed to be flushable, and a surprising amount of household plumbing just can’t handle them.

No wonder there’s “liquid waste” on the floor of her bathroom.

Fab Flab App Under Wraps

 I want to create a health and fitness app that's going to revolutionise the way we think about food and exercise.

A dieting app? As if there weren’t any of those!

Ok so there's plenty of apps out there that can count calories, give you diet suggestions and workout programs. My app will incorporate all these functions with 1 key difference that targets the way we choose food. There isn't an app out there on the market that contains my key concept so I can't give away much more than that. All I can say is anyone that's trying to loose weight, trying to sculpt a better body or simply trying to maintain their current physique, this app is for you!

He wants $50,000aud (about $38k American) and he won’t even tell us what the app does!

He’s asking for money and telling us he can’t tell us what it’s for!

Whatever you do for a living, next time you talk to a customer, try this strategy! See if it works!

(If they don’t look like they’re going for it. Show them some photographs of a pale and hairless male torso.)

Stir the Pot

 The Pot Shot is a device you will use to stir your soups so it does not burn.

Since the advent of sliced bread and electric toasters, I’d have to say that toast is the single easiest-to-make hot food item.

Surely though, soup is in the top three.

However, for some people, like Sean from Fairfax, it still presents some difficulties.

Sean from Fairfax,VA --   I am a young professional who has always been into building and inventing and is very through in his devices.

He’s given us only three written sentences describing his wonderful invention, but I think they tell the story pretty well.

  The Pot Shot is a device you will truly feel a reward in owning.  It was created by a young professional who developed it and is improving it along the way.  It will stir your puddings and is very rugged.

“Will truly feel a reward”? Really? Who writes like that? This guy must work in fortune cookie factory.

For more on how this device works, let’s turn to this incredibly awkward pitch video.

Yikes, painful. But here’s something that could have been even more painful.

 $5 reward  0 backers  You will find a true reward in owning this device when it comes out.
This is the only reward level offered by this project. Do they really mean to imply that they would send me a pot-blender for only $5 including shipping? I don’t think that’s what they thought they were saying, but you could certainly read it that way.

If they had succeed, they would have had over ten-thousand people who thought they were owed a free pot-stirrer. There’s no possible way they could have manufactured and shipped all those without going massively in debt.

They really dodged a bullet by failing so badly.

E-SHARK FORCE!

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I don’t really have a joke here, except to say that “E-Shark Force” really, really sounds like it was an animated cartoon shown in the 80s on Saturday morning. Probably lasting only one season. Just long enough for the branded toy line to be introduced, and fail miserably.

Anyway, since I don’t have any jokes prepared today, let’s enjoy this classic Bat-Man clip :


Slick Serpents

Slick Serpants and Bad Apples
 The Christian Women’s Guide on why they must avoid romantic relationships with unsaved men, and what they should look for in a man

If there’s one thing a modern woman loves, it’s a bald white man telling her who she should and shouldn’t date.

You can click the image up top to see the project page and read his long description, including a summary of every chapter of the book, but I think this is a nice summarizing thought :
 I am confident that the message of this book will do wonders to encourage single Christian women to make better decisions for their lives regarding relationships and marriage. It will also help expose Satan’s plan for Christian women, as well as for the family. With your help, we can make this book happen, and this time, in a way that will be more acceptable to women. Please pledge whatever you can to help make this book a reality.

Still, I wonder what’s got this guy so hot and bothered about how women choose their lovers? Perhaps his Facebook account will reveal a clue!

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Well, that’s what I expected, but it doesn’t really indicate anything. Let’s take a look at his Twitter. Huh. There’s some racism here, both subtle and overt, but I think this is probably a good clue :


If that’s the reaction he’s getting from ladies, it’s no wonder he’s not getting his serpent slick.